Potty Mouth

Okay, I am the first to admit that I can have a potty mouth. Since MacKenzy came along I've worked very hard to clean up my act. When either Jason or I mess up the other is sure to correct the other! When friends or family mess up we're sure to correct them with burning holes into their flesh with our laser eyes.

We have been very fortunate that MacKenzy hasn't picked up anything; that is until recently. First I must explain that my youngest brother, Matt, gave me my first lesson in child vulgarities when I was 17. In the small town grocery store, with no warning, he screamed A-S-S-H-O-L-E at the top of his lungs. Both my mother and I experienced the slow motion dash to the cart to cover his mouth. I think this particular moment in time has made me want to be extremely careful...I do not want to be half as embarrassed as my mother was!

So last week we were all packed in the truck driving somewhere or another. Jason was frustrated with me, as usual, and mid conversation said, "Damn it, Amy!" As soon as he said it the look of terror must have come across my face because his eyes doubled in size...whoops, kid-in-car! Immediately we hear, "Daddy! Why Mommy damn it?" Jason and I looked at each other with a look of "What do we do now?" I answered, "Oh, Daddy is being naughty and saying bad words." Luckily she left it at that.

Yesterday Jason's aunt Penny watched MacKenzy for a few hours. When I went to pick MacKenzy up Penny had a story to tell. Apparently MacKenzy was looking at a book and having trouble turning a page because they were sticking to each other. In MacKenzy's frustration she mumbled, "Damn it." Penny immediately reacted and said, "MacKenzy?" The look of "Oh Shit! I'm in trouble" came across MacKenzy's face. Penny calmly said, "Those are not nice words to say. Let's try and not say that again, okay?" MacKenzy agreed and went on with what she was doing.

I am happy to say that she's made it this long! Sad, but true! She could say A LOT worse things than 'Damn It,' so right now it's simply just funny

Who Is In Charge? YOU!

MacKenzy you are 3 years and 4½ months old…and Holy Crap you wear me out! You turn left when I’m going right and you have already figured me out! You’re prepared my answers to your questions with rebuttals! You have already learned to negotiate!

Over the last few weeks I’ve had the misfortune of experiencing what I put my mother through; whining, crying, pouting, and back-talking. According to you, YOU are the boss, YOU are the mommy, YOU don’t want dinner, YOU want snacks, YOU want the dog away from you, YOU want mommy to do it, no, YOU want daddy to do it. I can’t keep up!!!

The other night your daddy and I got a good laugh, at your expense. You were in one of your whiny moments….more like hours…and I told you it was time to get your pajamas on. I asked you nicely if you would go “potty” so we could get ready for bed and you burst into tears. You were a sobbing mess! You went into your bathroom where you continued to sob uncontrollably. I walked into the bathroom and you starting crying about how you wanted “a Dora one!” You were sitting on the Diego potty seat that you never use when you decided that it was too much to sit on Diego, you wanted Dora! I calmly attempted to explain to you that YOU picked out the Diego seat and that we weren’t going to the store to get a Dora one. You cried harder.

After the snot had been smeared across your face and the tears had soaked through your little shirt, I did what parents do…but aren’t supposed to do…and told you we would go buy a Dora seat in the morning. “No!! I want the Dora seat now!!! Not tomorrow, nowwwww!,” you cried. I pointed out the window and said, “Look! It’s dark outside. The stores are closed. We have to wait until the morning.” And all of the sudden the tears stopped and you looked me straight in the eyes and said, “We go to Target tomorrow, right?” I had to hold back from laughing, but I agreed. The next day you completely forgot all about it…. Moment of insanity??

On Sunday night, you up and decided that it was time to go get French Fries; you’re favorite food group. I guess I’ve told you a few times “Mommy doesn’t have any money,” because you pulled your piggy bank into the living room and started going through it. When you had fished out a dollar you handed it to me and said, “I want French Fries. Let’s walk!” You ran and grabbed your shoes and looked at me like I should be just as excited as you. I was giggling (inside)! I threw on my shoes and there we went…down the street to McDonald’s. I’m sure your great-grandma will love to hear that the money I’m supposed to be stashing in the bank for your education is going to McDonald’s!

Yesterday you stayed home from daycare with your dad and apparently it was a long day. You have this thing about eating. It’s not that you don’t eat, just simply that you’re on the SNACK diet. YOU wanted “chippies” for breakfast, you settled for a Pop-Tart (not much better). YOU wanted Goldfish crackers 5 minutes later and your dad suggested an apple. Normally the thought of an apple would have you doing back-flips over the couch, but you wanted nothing to do with it and proceeded to fight him for 45-minutes. After you did your time in lock-up (aka your bedroom) you were ready to say sorry…only to ask and get turned down for cookies 2-mintues later. This was the routine ALL day. My rough day at work was so worth it!!!

Though these moments put mommy and daddy into sweating fits, nonetheless we both silently wish there was a video camera taping every moment. Not only for damaging evidence to use against you when you're older, but as a constant reminder of how damn cute you are even when we want to scream SHUUUUUUUTTTT UUUPPPPPP!

Juvenile, but loads of fun!

Several months ago I interviewed for a position at the fire department where my husband works. Now I knew going into it that being who I am could be a good thing or a bad thing, but I felt that I was more than qualified and could be an asset. I have also been working UNPAID at the department for 4 years with the Explorer program that my husband and I started. The words sung from the powers that be have always been, 'Put in your time here and we'll hire you.'

The other complicated item about the position would have been working directly under my best friend's husband. He and I are very good friends, I actually met her through him, but he has a severe superiority complex at work. He and I sat down before I applied and discussed me applying. He admitted that we have a open relationship where I can tell him 'like it is' and not fear a backlash. He can also expect that I would go out of my way to make that department look good.

Another friend of mine used to be in this position so I had heard the nightmares from both her, my husband, and everyone else in the department. It was no lie that I knew what I was getting into, but I really wanted the position.

I interviewed for the position in May. Since I know everyone on the department, I obviously interviewed with someone I knew quite well (two people actually). I felt that the interview went extrememly well. After a few weeks of not hearing anything I checked in to see where they were at.... Long story short, I didn't get a 2nd interview and therefore didn't get the position.

I'm a grown adult and can take defeat; if someone was more qualified than me so be it. That wasn't the case. The blonde bimbo got the job with NO experience! No medical background, only 6 months administrative experience, and no concept of the fire service! I was P-I-S-S-E-D!

Normally I wouldn't have done a thing, but since I knew enough about the "piece of ass" they hired, and have a good enough relationship with the boss- I called him. The first words out of my mouth were, "I'm insulted!" Instantly he got on the defensive and I laid it all out for him. I said that it would have been one thing if they had hired someone remotely qualified for the position, but to hire someone that knows NOTHING is a complete slap in the face. He had no idea (duh) that her previous supervisor was celebrating that she was leaving, and no idea that one of the interviewers knew her personally- as in he was chasing her around though they are both married, if you know what I mean.

In the end I said, "In your case, I hope she works out...but otherwise I hope she crashes and burns." He thanked me for the insight and asked that I apply for the Education position opening up in the Fall. I said, "I have too much pride to do that....plus, I'll be homeless by that time!"


Day 3 in the PoA's she called my friend (that previously had the job) bawling and freaked out because she didn't know how to do the things they were asking her to do. She asked if my friend would come over and show her how to...get this....use EXCEL. Too funny! God, if you don't know get a book or something! Figure it out!

Back to the LONG STORY SHORT thing...

Jason called me a few hours ago saying, "I have great news for you honey! Guess who put in their two week notice?" Yup, she didn't even make it 3 months!!! You can only pretend you know what you're doing for so long, I guess. Jason said that all of the officers were super pissed off and that they even tried to get her to take a Leave of Absence...I'm sure so it looks like it's all her, not them!

To say I'm laughing is a huge understatement! I would love to be there rubbing it in right now! Jason joked that if they came and asked me to take the position I could ask for triple the money... I think it would take a lot more than that!!!

So it may be a little juvenile, but I'll be happy to accept that and do my "I Told You So" dance!

Long Night

I had a really long night last night, and I'm just really down in the dumps right now- I need a barrel of monkeys to come rolling through here or something.

At 2am I got a text from my sister, Marki...I was up because I was on an ambulance call. Around 2:30am is when I noticed the text. It read: "I need to talk to you asap." I immediately text her back: "What do you need?" I waited and waited for a response, but nothing. I would have called her but didn't know how urgent the message really was and being that it was 2:30am I didn't want to wake anyone. I laid in bed for hours going through every possible scenario in my head. In the middle of the night, I could only assume it wasn't anything good.

This morning on my way into work Marki text me back: "My mom tried to kill herself last night." My heart sank and just thought of all the crap Marki has had to go through, and now this. I was, and still am, torn on my feelings towards her mom. I hate that she has put her children in this position, but I also feel sorry for her and wish there was something I could do to make things better. I can only assume based on stories Marki has told me recently why her mom would do this....and it’s really really sad.

After awhile I asked what had happened and the story made me feel even worse....Children need to be protected from their parent's stupidity! Her mom had gone to her old house (that's on the market for sale b/c she lives with her boyfriend) and sat in her running car in the closed garage. I don't know what led them to her (they don't live with her), but Marki and her little sister (15) Mandi found her. I don't know what state she was in when they found her, but good enough that she's still alive. She was transported to a larger hospital for a 72-hour hold and for CO2 poisoning.

Meanwhile, Marki being the oldest of her siblings has taken on her motherly role again to protect the younger kids. Last we spoke she was talking to her dad about what to tell them.

I'm numb. Marki and I are still building a relationship so it's not like I can do the sisterly thing and show up on her door step to give her the hugs she so dearly needs. I have the sisterly, if not motherly, instincts to want to protect her from all of this, but I'm in an odd position. I'm her sister....but in a step-sister kind of way. Related by accident and really don't know all that much about each other (though we're working on that).

In a twisted way I am also incredibly happy that I am important enough in her life that she felt it necessary to notify me right away...that says a lot and I'm proud of that.

So with that...I'm down in the dumps today. I’m not wanting to be here, but with Marki. Though you don't know her, please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you.



**Amy**

Love is… being able to confide in someone that everything isn’t okay, and trusting that they will listen.

Monday

I am completely exhausted today. It rained all weekend (fancy how it finally rains once all of the crops and lawns have died off) therefore made it a lazy one. We were supposed to have a block party on Saturday- canceled, and on Sunday we had planned on going to Game Fair.

One would think we'd be smart enough not to drag a 3 year old girl to an event, in the rain (drizzle), where the most kid friendly aspect are the hundreds of puppies for sale. This event is an expo of everything you can imagine related to hunting. I went to see the dog competitions. They are so fun to watch! Oh! Did I mention we brought Ozzy with too? Talk about asking for it!!!!

At first MacKenzy was great! She wanted to pet every dog in sight and was really interested in everything around her. Then we started on a downward spirl... She wanted to be up close for the dog competitions, which meant she was standing (with her umbrella) about 5 ft behind the dogs. I would try and go after her and she'd just get closer and closer. Finally, Jason had me hang on to Ozzy and he surprised her from the other side. This was officially the start of the tears.

Afterwards we went to see the new Cabela's in Rogers, MN. MacKenzy loves going to Cabela's because they have all sorts of animals (stuffed) on display; elephants, a polar bear, lions, prairie dogs...you name it. She was absolutely wonderful in there...go figure.

By the time we got home my wet jeans had managed to dry from the knee down....and my pull-over windbreaker finally stopped sticking to my chest. The rain took everything out of me.

This AM Jason said that I was snorring like an old man last night. "It wasn't like your tonsils were rattling, it was a full-fledge 'I'm tired' snore."

Mental Stability

Sunday was a dark day. A week ago last Friday I ran out of my anxiety meds. Never making my way to the pharmacy I figured I’d just wait and fill it Monday; I am on other meds that I had figured would hold me over. It did until…

I filled the prescription last Monday. When I got home I had intended on taking the medication and then placing the bottle in my bathroom next too all of my other “loopy” drugs. That didn’t happen…

I set the bag down and it disappeared into thin air! I looked everywhere and never found the bag. I was feeling okay so I didn’t stress out about it- funny, can’t find my anxiety medication….don’t stress out about it. Hmmm.

On Saturday I could feel the cloud looming, but I put my best face forward. Fortunately Jason knew I was overtired so he was great about keeping Kzy occupied. Then Sunday morning awakens with beautiful blue skies and “dry” heat!! Absolutely one of the most beautiful days, but there I am like a cartoon with the little rain cloud above my head. It was amazing outside and I was as dark as the midnight sky.

I am very careful to monitor my own behavior when it comes to Kzy. It is my life’s goal not to parent like my own mother; by yelling. When I’m having a dark day I have to especially take notice. I’m sure that I’m short with her, but in my head I am replaying a soundtrack, “Don’t do it. It’s not her, it’s you. Don’t yell” all awhile I can see my mom’s screaming face. If and/or when I do scream at her I feel absolutely terrible. Afterwards I feel like I’ve taken 10 steps backwards in being the type of parent I want to be.

On dark days it’s almost as if I can feel my blood boiling. The tension in my body is so intense that feel as if every muscle in my body gripping on for dear life. I am aware of each breath I take and each thought that plays in my head, and everything around me that pisses me off! My chest is heavy and I’m jittery as all hell. I can’t sit still, let alone in one spot for any amount of time.

Normally on a bad day I would pop a few extra pills (the Dr. said that it’s okay) and take a short nap. Yesterday Jason was on shift so it was just Kzy and I home for the day, which means NO BREAKS! Though it pains me to do it, I turned on Sponge Bob Sqaurepants and crawled back into bed…actually into Kzy’s new bed. Every half-hour she’d come looking for me to start a new DVR recording and then I’d return to the protection of my blanket and pillow. At 2:00pm it was time for her nap…so I drug her into bed with me and we slept until just after 4pm.

I felt mildly better, but since I had errands to run we had to get up. Just as we were leaving I found the pills! It was my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! I felt better by simply knowing I’d feel better today.

There are people out there that think anti-depressants are a horrible thing. They simply need to live in my shoes on one of these days and they will not only better understand, but they’ll want some pills for themselves.

I’d take my anxiety/depression issues over delusional or schizophrenia. This past weekend I was working ambulance when we had a routine transport from our small town hospital to another, larger, area hospital with a psyche ward. Before meeting the patient we were told it was a 30-year old delusional male. I still have yet to associate myself as someone who is 30, so I didn’t even imagine that the person would be someone like me. When I walked into the room I was amazed that my mouth didn’t hit the floor. The guy lying in the hospital bed was none other than a kid I was friends with in elementary school.

Due to HIPPA I can’t say his name or anything that would identify him, and I would never do such a thing. He didn’t have a clue who I was until I told him my maiden name and said the name of our elementary school. (It was a small town school so everyone knew each other.) Seeing him brought back so many childhood memories it was nice to relive them for awhile. It was also really sad to see someone that was once so full of life, so incredibly messed up.

On late night transfers often times we’re all pretty quite, but not that night. Any time it was really quite for more than a minute or two, the patient’s eyes would get really big and he’d look around like he didn’t know where he was. If I kept him engaged he was relatively normal. It was a real test to come up with an hour worth of questions!!

He said he was brought into the hospital because he called the CDC (Center for Disease Control) and told them he had Meningitis. When they asked him how he knew he had it, he didn’t have a reasonable explanation. He just knew he had it and if they didn’t come and get him he was going to die and spread the disease. When the police got to his house he was standing in his yard screaming at the top of his lungs about the world’s injustices. He also swore that his colon had burst and it was only a matter of seconds before he would die.

What was interesting about it all was that in the back of our ambulance he had enough sense to know what he did and that it was completely absurd. He laughed and laughed.

The sad part about it all, he has two kids at home. His wife seemed pretty solid and loving, but nonetheless the kids have to deal with the fact that their Dad is in a Psych-Ward for 3 days.

So with all of that…I’m okay with having to take pills each day. A couple seconds out of each day allow me to be who I am and stay that way!!!

Chewy

Right now I'm sitting at my desk (yes, my desk! I got a job!) trying to eat the chewiest bread stick in my life! They are left over from yesterday, and I'm too lazy to go get something else...though leaving the office for awhile would break up the day.

So yes, I'm working and really enjoying myself...using my brain again. I took the "other" job, not the hospital position. Though I was sad about having to turn them down, this job has some incredible potential. I'm working for another builder. Some would think that that is a bad idea, with the market and all, but this company has actually stayed pretty steady during the downward spiral we call a real estate market. It's a corporation rather than a Mom & Pop organization, which is what I worked for prior to being laid off.

I've managed to take a gigantic leap up the corporate ladder which is incredibly unexpected considering I went through a temp agency! I was the only person interviewed for the position that had any kind of construction background, and that was the winner right there.

What I'm doing now actually is nothing like what I have experience in, but since I understand how the construction world runs I'm grasping everything faster than I thought I would. In my current position I am one of two Operations Administrators. What the hell is that? My question exactly!!! Myself and another girl, that has been doing the job for almost 4 yrs., are the go-between the guys in the field and the office. We pull the plans, surveys, and permits and get them out to the guys. We are also in charge of monitoring the stages of the building process- dig dates, frame dates, etc. This is where I definitely have a lot of learning to do! Lastly we work with the division President in advising him on the status of projects or communities. I don't think I've ever been in a position where I can make "recommendations" to the President (of anything) that dates should be pushed and/or about someone's job performance.

Home life is getting easier because we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We're hurting pretty bad since I wasn't working for so long, but being that I'm getting paid much better in this position than in my last it shouldn't take too long for us to get caught up.

I have been meaning to post pictures but seriously I haven't had the time! When I do have the time MacKenzy wants to sit on my lap and play "Elmo" on the Sesame Street website. Ugh. I've been taking pictures like crazy, but even so much as getting them downloaded seems to be quite a task.

Well, I hope to get back to updating more often. I miss writing. I know my life doesn't interest anyone really, but writing about it puts things into perspective.